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Pastoral leaders are often puzzled by the varying expectations and needs that people have at the time of a death. What should a funeral service be like? What are the purposes of such a service? Is it worship? Is a memorial service preferable? What is the difference between a funeral service, a memorial service, and a committal service? Where can I find resources? These and many other questions whirl around.
The time of death is an opportunity providing the possibility of great good for the sake of ministry. The heart is often more ready to meet God in a time of sadness. People often come to the funeral/memorial service with spoken and unspoken questions and are ready to listen carefully. Many people who would not come to church on Sunday will come to a funeral or memorial service. Those with grieving hearts need help and hope to carry on again. The time of death is a time to think beyond this life.
Each culture has its own traditions associated with times of death. However, practices have been shifting during our generation. In the past, most funeral services were held at the funeral home; now more are held in church. In the past, a funeral service was the norm; today we often hear of memorial services. Increasingly, there are two patterns that have developed:
1. A funeral service, either in the funeral home or church, is followed immediately by a committal service. Sometimes the committal service at times is held at the graveside, and those who participate often go there by procession. Other times the committal service is the closing part of the funeral service and not at the graveside.
2. A memorial service is held in the church later in the day, usually in the evening, so that a broader group of friends and family can be gathered. In such an event, the committal and burial has likely taken place in a very private gathering at the cemetery earlier in the day, and the service takes on a different spirit than a funeral. The family gathers with relatives and friends to remember the life, give thanks for it, and seek help from God.
In either case, this event is essentially in the hands of the family members rather than the official jurisdiction of the church. All families desire to craft a funeral or memorial service that is reflective of the desires, personality, and faith of their loved one. For that reason, preplanning is wise. Those who write down their thoughts about the kind of service they prefer will make the time of grieving easier for survivors.
We point you to two very valuable resources that will aid you in thinking through the issues and finding many of the resources you may need.
In Life and in Death - A Pastoral Guide for Funerals, written and compiled by Leonard J. Vander Zee, published by CRC Publications (Grand Rapids, MI). Available through Faith Alive Christian Resources (1-800-333-8300 or www.FaithAliveResources.org). This valuable book will help you think through the issues and understand the need for pastoral care at the time of death, and also provides prayers, readings, model services, and many other resources.
Reformed Worship 24 is a theme issue on funerals. Helpful articles in this issue address the questions pastors have about funeral practices, give an analysis of funeral traditions from four different cultures, offer guidance in choosing music for funeral services, and provide a bibliography of organ collections.
You may find also find these other resources helpful:
A Service of Death and Resurrection: The Ministry of the Church at Death. Nashville: Abingdon, 1979. A resource from the United Methodist Church.
Your Ministry of Planning a Christian Funeral by Andy Langford. Nashville: Abingdon, 1989. This pamphlet is intended for families as well as pastors.
Weddings, Funerals, and Special Events by Eugene Peterson, Calvin Miller, and others. Waco, TX.: Word Books, 1987. The section on funerals contains six excellent essays.
Worship the Lord, edited by James R. Esther and Donald J. Bruggink. Grand Rapids, MI: Eerdmans, 1987. Contains the “Order of Worship for Christian Burial.”
The Funeral: A Service of Witness to the Resurrection. Philadelphia: Westminster, 1986. From the Presbyterian Church (USA); this book contains excellent essays and resources.
A funeral service or a memorial service should include several stages through which the worshiping group must pass as they engage with God at the time of death. They need to (1) grieve before God and give expression to their pain at death, (2) give thanks for a valuable life and recall all that it involved, and (3) celebrate the hope and victory that is ours in Christ as proclaimed in the gospel. We have usually patterned such services in this way:
WE SORROW/LAMENT/GRIEVE OVER DISEASE AND DEATH
(The title used for this section of the service is usually determined by the circumstances, such as whether the death was tragic and traumatic, or a long time in coming through disease, and so on.)
This section usually includes worship items such as the following:

• Reflections on the journey of the deceased one, particularly if he or she struggled with disease
• Spoken words of lament, through a song or psalm
• Prayers that give honest expressions of pain
• Songs (see below for possibilities)

       WE GIVE THANKS FOR A VALUABLE LIFE
       This section usually includes worship items such as the following:

• Ministry of music (songs that were favorites of the deceased one)
• Reflections from friends and family members
• Songs sung by all (see below for possibilities)
• A litany in affirmation of the value of life
• Scripture readings
• Reflections on Scripture passages that affirm life

      WE CELEBRATE CHRIST'S VICTORY AND OUR HOPE
      This section usually includes worship items such as the following:

• Songs (see below for possibilities)
• Scripture readings
• Reflections/meditations on the gospel of salvation and hope
• Affirmations of faith and hope using historic creeds/confessions
• Prayers
• Words of blessing and assurance for the family

At times we have concluded a memorial service with the tolling of the bell seven times to represent the fullness of Christ's work for us and the completion of the life of the deceased.